Encountering The Lord In My Grief

THE DAY MY BELLA DIED

Our Saturday afternoon, in April of 2017, was looking to be low key so we were free to run errands, play with friends, and just hang out as a family. At around 3:30 I was driving home when Kevin called. He said that something was wrong with Bella, our sweet 13 year old Vizsla dog. 

Kevin usually just brushed off any sign of sickness Bella had as something she would get over. This seemed different to him and that concerned me. After I hung up the phone, I began to pray and talk to Jesus. I asked Him how He wanted me to pray for Bella.

I’ve discovered when I ask Jesus this question, His responses are always spot on. I mean, He knows exactly what we need to make it through EVERY situation, so why not ask, right? 

I really wanted to pray for healing. But if I pray for healing after the Lord tells me to pray a different way, I have learned that healing doesn’t happen. So, I wanted to be obedient. This time, when I asked Jesus how he wanted me to pray for Bella, I heard, “I am coming for Bella today.” His response brought peace and wonderment all at once. 

Was I hearing this correctly? Was Jesus really going to come get her? 

CHECKING WHAT I HEARD

I have never heard of this before and I was somewhat skeptical. My training of checking all spirits immediately went into play (1 John 4:1). 

First, I knew this couldn’t be my own thought, because there is NO WAY I wanted Bella to die.  A thought like that would have brought me HUGE anxiety if it were my own. 

Second, the enemy doesn’t know the future. If he did, he never would have had Jesus crucified on the cross because that signified his end. He was defeated in that moment. So, I trusted this was not him talking to me. 

Third, I also know the voice of the Lord doesn’t contradict His own word in Scripture. I couldn’t recall anything at the time about how people OR animals get to heaven in scripture. Except when we die we are in His presence away from our earthly bodies (check out what it says here – Philippians 1:23, 2 Corinthians 5:8.) 

Is it plausible that Jesus comes to bring us and our pets to Heaven? I’d like to think it is possible. 

HOW TO PRAY

In my walk with God at this time, I was learning to trust what He says and find hope in the outcomes. I expected this situation to be no different. I was curious how this was all going to unfold. I had a feeling that the rest of this day was going to be a time of leaning into Him and learning from Him. 

After contemplating all of this, I immediately knew how I needed to pray. 

I began to pray for wisdom and help. I needed to know how to handle this situation and how to get through it. 

I texted two very dear friends to let them know that the Lord just told me something, and our family would need a lot of prayer to make it through the day. They both IMMEDIATELY responded saying they would pray for us.

I was not sure what to expect as I drove in the driveway. I quickly gathered all my stuff from the car and walked into the house. I saw Kevin and the kids kneeling down surrounding Bella, who was hunched over and breathing heavily. I called her name. She looked at me but didn’t move. I grabbed a few treats and asked her to come to me. That usually gets an immediate response, but not this time.

I walked over to where everyone was and stopped a few feet from her. I put the treats on the floor and for the first time, she got up and walked over to me. I was encouraged! 

The kids all got up and ran outside to play with the neighborhood crew not thinking anything of it. I was a bit relieved to see her walking and moving around. I have never been close to someone who was experiencing their last moments on earth, so maybe I heard wrong. Maybe Bella was going to be okay.

Kevin and I walked into the kitchen and I asked him to tell me everything that happened before I got home. He knew I would be concerned and approached all the details with cautious concern without straying from the facts. He was surprised at how peaceful I was with this situation, which is totally out of character for me.  

I told Kevin what had happened on my drive home. He was just as shocked as I had been and agreed to take it moment by moment as the day progressed. If we needed to take her to the vet we would.

LATER THAT NIGHT

By the time the kids went to bed, Bella hadn’t moved much. I asked her if she wanted to go outside. She got up, walked to the hill in our backyard and laid down. She wouldn’t get up. 

Kevin picked her up and carried her to her bed. Bella looked up at me. She seemed scared. With all her strength she tried to get up, but after a few inches she plopped down. She couldn’t move anymore. I began to cry as she looked up at me with a look of bewilderment, she didn’t know what was wrong and wanted me to fix it. 

Kevin and I both knew that it was time to call the emergency vet. 

THE EMERGENCY VET

The whole car ride there Bella just kept looking at us with these amazing love filled eyes. We talked to her and stroked the top of her head, letting her know how much we loved her.

When we arrived, they had a wagon ready to bring her into the clinic. Kevin and I had to sit in the waiting room, which felt like an eternity but in reality, it was only a few minutes. The vet came out and told us that they did a quick ultrasound to check her heart because they couldn’t hear it beating through their stethoscopes. They saw that her heart was filled with fluid. That was what caused all of her symptoms. Since Bella was in a lot of pain, the vet said the best thing for her would be to put her to sleep. We discussed our options and agreed we would do it. We arranged for the kids to get dropped off at the vet that night.

SAYING GOODBYE

When our kids arrived Bella perked up, like she knew she needed to be excited and not let them see how much pain she was in.

We didn’t want the kids there for her last moments and had them leave the room with my sister-in-law.

As we sat there alone with Bella, I held her in my arms and spoke to her so the last thing she would hear was my voice telling her I loved her. As the vet gave her the shot I stroked her head and felt for her last breath. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, even though I knew it was coming. 

As she took her last breath, I spoke to the Lord between sobs saying, “I am going to grieve this.” 

WHY I TOLD THE LORD HOW I WAS GOING TO HANDLE HER DEATH

I had just finished reading the book of Ezekiel. In chapter 24, the Lord told Ezekiel that his wife was going to die and that he was not to mourn her death. I did not want that. I wanted to weep with everything that was in me. I wanted to be true to ALL the emotions I was feeling. 

As I sat there with Bella’s lifeless body in my lap, I turned and looked at the clock on the wall. It said, 11:41pm. The Lord had given me almost the whole rest of the day with her. If she would have died 20 min later it would have been the next day. He came and got her that day. NOT tomorrow. 

During my intense sobbing, a beaming faith radiated Joy from deep inside me. In my immense grief, the Lord found a way to permeate all that I was encountering and had me focus on Him. It was incredible. 

AFTER SHE WAS GONE

Since Jesus told me HE was coming to get her, I wanted to see that. (I will reveal in another post how the Lord opened my eyes to see in the spirit realm, when He chooses.) So, I asked Him to open my eyes to what was happening in the spirit around me. 

He was silent. I didn’t know why. I accepted it and we left the emergency vet as a family, reminiscing about Bella and her life with us. 

SEEING BELLA

A few days later I shared this experience with some friends. One of them wondered if the Lord might not be showing me what happened the moment Bella died because I TOLD God how I wanted to grieve instead of asking Him how He wanted me to grieve her. 

I immediately repented for not trusting Him with my grief. Then, I asked the Lord how He wanted me to do that. I instantly heard, “Every time you think of her, thank me for her life and the time you got to spend with her.” 

As soon as I started to thank Him for Bella and her life, my eyes were opened and the Lord took me back to that EXACT moment Bella died. 

Jesus was sitting on a high table in the center of the room with his hands grabbing the edge, His legs dangling, and His upper body somewhat hunched over as if He was about ready to jump off. As Bella took her last breath, her spirit took off running toward Jesus. Jesus jumped off of the table right before Bella jumped into His arms and the two of them walked out the door together. 

I began to sob hard, thanking Jesus for showing me how He came to get her. I thanked Him for bringing her to heaven where He would take care of Bella until I could be with her again. 

I am still in awe with how He taught me, loved me, and cared for me and my family through that whole experience. He ALWAYS knows best. This helped me understand that I always need to go to Him to learn how to pray and handle a situation. 

AFTER IT ALL

To this day, when I thank God for Bella, the tears are not as often, but He still shows me images of her playing in Heaven and I am always astonished. She is a YOUNG adult who can run, jump, and swim again. Her older hurting body is gone and her vibrant, rambunctious fire is back. 

The Lord taught me so much through my love for Bella, and it helped propel my relationship with Him to a new level of intimacy. (See other posts about how the Lord used Bella to teach me here and here.) The Lord broke through and brought me into a more trusting, love filled relationship with Him through Bella out of my concern and fear surrounding being her mom. Bella will always be my special bud.

CONNECTING

Has the Lord met you in your grief? Have you relied on Him to know how to handle it? I would love to hear your stories of how you encountered God in those situations. You can reach out through my CONTACT page or leave a comment below.

If you have not and are still struggling, I offer a suggestion; ASK HIM how He wants you to grieve. His ways are always BEST! OR if you are not sure even how to ask, you can use what He taught me to do, “Every time you think of her, thank Me for her life and the time you got to spend with her.” Thank Him. Try it. See what happens.